i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Gay?
German.
Pity.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I pour the whiskey from now on
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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