i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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