2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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