The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
