i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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