it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
