remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
