trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
