Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
