This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
no you cant smoke seaweed
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
