I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
