don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
