The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
