This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
