the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
