Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
