I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Duck Duck Cougar?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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