I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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