Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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