I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
