omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
