and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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