Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
