I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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