Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
