Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
