I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
