I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
