Yo dont text me then not text me
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
