My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
