He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
