i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
