Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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