Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
