a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
