dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i barfeds in our rink
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
