Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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