I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
