Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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