girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
