I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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