Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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