There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
