i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
