I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
