so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
