Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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