I am spending my child support on dildos
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
