hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
