Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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