Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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