Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
