At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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